THE MAN RULES
AT LAST A GUY (BY REQUEST OF THE WOMEN) HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. (BY REQUEST OF THE WOMEN)
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1” ON PURPOSE!
WE ARE A SIMPLE LOT ONLY BECAUSE IF WE COULD THINK AND SPEAK FOR OURSELVES, THEN WHOM WOULD TAKE CARE OF US AND TELL US WHAT TO DO?
YOU DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER IT IF YOU ARE NOT INCLINED TOO!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT...
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON,It's THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION. ANY FURTHER DISCUSSION WILL LEAD TO CONFUSION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE...
DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH...
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS...
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT.
AS AN EXAMPLE, OUR PRIVATES, 1ST WE SCRATCH THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE ITCHY AND 2ND TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE STILL THERE, A PAIR BONDING.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY.
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL
OR GOLF.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1.
BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
So, I don't have friends,I just know people.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Family and friends:
*CAUTION: there is language in this that may make you blush, so watch out!!.And,I am writing this under the influence of some migthy fine wine.SO, its no stoned left unsmoked.!!,I mean no smoke is left unstoned. This article is supported by the "Woodford Tobacco and Clothing Company",growing since 1972 0r 71'.
Just to clear up any misconceptions about family and friends. This is my personal and humble opinion of what has occurred to me and I feel compelled to share, ain’t I nice?. And if anyone thinks I am writing about them,I am not,but it fits,then wear it.??
Friends, are people that I know and they know me and having said that, it also means they could also be called non friends aka enemies. So, I don't have friends, I just know people. Ain’t it grand, life is so simple.
But,a flash has occured; wait the person that lives beside (aka neighor,is there a bee in neigbhour?) me has said the following,"I hate her/them".?, and she explains that my manners towards her have changed and this is her conclusion.?
So, I have to say to her,"I don't hate you" the fact is, I love you BUT, I don't like you very much. Have I lost you that one. I am saying" I don't like the people that I love".!! Hate is a nasty word and I don't have time for that kind of shit. As small as my life is" its still large enough" to NOT HATE PEOPLE".
If you piss me off, be secure in the knowledge that you are no longer a person of interest to me and as far as I am concerned, you are probably a nice fellow,but not to ME.!! So,please, piss somebody else off.
(My mother taught me to be polite,even if I am dis-pissed or angry,it shows true a gentlemen).
Family are also people that know me and may or may not like me and can also be called non family aka antagonist. I lump my in-laws in this category because they are related to me thru marriage. I didn’t ask for this package it just came with the marriage.
Confused, wait until you all meet them, all doubt will be removed. You can chose your friends but you can’t chose your relatives. Suddenly, life ain’t simple and it gets complicated later.!
I like to keep shit to myself about myself and my Family and the less everyone knows the better. Well, it doesn’t work like that in this Family, because we have Bud-in-ski’s and Gladys Kravitz’s. And the rest are really agreeable.
Born again and saved are a challenge.(b.a.a.s.) there is no correct language that you can use that is non offensive,…but; go to hell, works. This conveys you are pissed and tread no further.
Bud-in-ski’s poke their nose into everyone’s business and make it miserable when they go the next stage and Kravitz’s the news. They are worst than magpies. The b.a.a.s. want to save everyone and all evils that have befallen upon you.
So, where the hell were you when I needed you? Say what, that’s not what you want to do and could I find someone else? I, guess you can afford an attitude and that’s good or not?.
I thought I was ok, apparently, not in their eyes, it seems, so, save me Lord from these people. Let us pray.
“Oh Lord, I freely admit that I sin openly, daily and without shame and I am truly remorseful when its time I realized that I had sinned. You and I have a conversation and its all ok. But, get those sinful born a-gains off my butt.! Amen.”
The challenging part is to get the goody two shoes to back off and avoid them getting a ham sandwich in between the eyes.
Its, like when people quit smoking, its suddenly their crusade to save all the smokers whom, are happy about their habit and also don’t like to be preached too and admonished. I say, eat shit and piss off already, please, we are fine.
I have a definition for “relative humidity” as well. As an example the brother-in-law axes (that’s right axes), you for a loan of money(relative).
I, say “ piss off” (humidity). If you lend them the money, you won’t see it again and I wouldn’t even humiliate myself in asking, but if they ask how I am, “piss off, you don’t need to know, you big asshole”, or you fat bastard or other disagreeable language.
So, in conclusion I rest my case, now if it doesn’t make any sense then I have succeed in confusing you all. I just need to write the bar exam and guess what I can put a shingle that I am qualified to be a lawyer.
Family and friends:
*CAUTION: there is language in this that may make you blush, so watch out!!.And,I am writing this under the influence of some migthy fine wine.SO, its no stoned left unsmoked.!!,I mean no smoke is left unstoned. This article is supported by the "Woodford Tobacco and Clothing Company",growing since 1972 0r 71'.
Just to clear up any misconceptions about family and friends. This is my personal and humble opinion of what has occurred to me and I feel compelled to share, ain’t I nice?. And if anyone thinks I am writing about them,I am not,but it fits,then wear it.??
Friends, are people that I know and they know me and having said that, it also means they could also be called non friends aka enemies. So, I don't have friends, I just know people. Ain’t it grand, life is so simple.
But,a flash has occured; wait the person that lives beside (aka neighor,is there a bee in neigbhour?) me has said the following,"I hate her/them".?, and she explains that my manners towards her have changed and this is her conclusion.?
So, I have to say to her,"I don't hate you" the fact is, I love you BUT, I don't like you very much. Have I lost you that one. I am saying" I don't like the people that I love".!! Hate is a nasty word and I don't have time for that kind of shit. As small as my life is" its still large enough" to NOT HATE PEOPLE".
If you piss me off, be secure in the knowledge that you are no longer a person of interest to me and as far as I am concerned, you are probably a nice fellow,but not to ME.!! So,please, piss somebody else off.
(My mother taught me to be polite,even if I am dis-pissed or angry,it shows true a gentlemen).
Family are also people that know me and may or may not like me and can also be called non family aka antagonist. I lump my in-laws in this category because they are related to me thru marriage. I didn’t ask for this package it just came with the marriage.
Confused, wait until you all meet them, all doubt will be removed. You can chose your friends but you can’t chose your relatives. Suddenly, life ain’t simple and it gets complicated later.!
I like to keep shit to myself about myself and my Family and the less everyone knows the better. Well, it doesn’t work like that in this Family, because we have Bud-in-ski’s and Gladys Kravitz’s. And the rest are really agreeable.
Born again and saved are a challenge.(b.a.a.s.) there is no correct language that you can use that is non offensive,…but; go to hell, works. This conveys you are pissed and tread no further.
Bud-in-ski’s poke their nose into everyone’s business and make it miserable when they go the next stage and Kravitz’s the news. They are worst than magpies. The b.a.a.s. want to save everyone and all evils that have befallen upon you.
So, where the hell were you when I needed you? Say what, that’s not what you want to do and could I find someone else? I, guess you can afford an attitude and that’s good or not?.
I thought I was ok, apparently, not in their eyes, it seems, so, save me Lord from these people. Let us pray.
“Oh Lord, I freely admit that I sin openly, daily and without shame and I am truly remorseful when its time I realized that I had sinned. You and I have a conversation and its all ok. But, get those sinful born a-gains off my butt.! Amen.”
The challenging part is to get the goody two shoes to back off and avoid them getting a ham sandwich in between the eyes.
Its, like when people quit smoking, its suddenly their crusade to save all the smokers whom, are happy about their habit and also don’t like to be preached too and admonished. I say, eat shit and piss off already, please, we are fine.
I have a definition for “relative humidity” as well. As an example the brother-in-law axes (that’s right axes), you for a loan of money(relative).
I, say “ piss off” (humidity). If you lend them the money, you won’t see it again and I wouldn’t even humiliate myself in asking, but if they ask how I am, “piss off, you don’t need to know, you big asshole”, or you fat bastard or other disagreeable language.
So, in conclusion I rest my case, now if it doesn’t make any sense then I have succeed in confusing you all. I just need to write the bar exam and guess what I can put a shingle that I am qualified to be a lawyer.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Two angels standing at my bed,kids prayer.
We are teaching our kids to pray at nite! So,far,they like it!
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep.
Two angels standing at my bed,
One at my feet and one at my head,
To guide me safely through the night,
and wake me up with the morning light.
Please bless my Mother and Father
My Nana and Poppa
Mom ere’ and Popp ere’
Missy and my two fish
Joey my dog
My three brothers
Uncle Mark and Auntie Heather
Braeden and Coulton
Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda
G.G. (Great Grandmother)
Amen
’
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep.
Two angels standing at my bed,
One at my feet and one at my head,
To guide me safely through the night,
and wake me up with the morning light.
Please bless my Mother and Father
My Nana and Poppa
Mom ere’ and Popp ere’
Missy and my two fish
Joey my dog
My three brothers
Uncle Mark and Auntie Heather
Braeden and Coulton
Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda
G.G. (Great Grandmother)
Amen
’
PARENT - Job Description
PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! This should be taught in school starting at Grade 7.
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy-help-me, Mama, Ma,
Dad, Daddy-o, Dada, Pa, or hey Pops
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
You will be required to think for yourself and be a self starter with little supervision and improvise at the drop of a hat.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance, laundry and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
So, plan to leave a bill for an amount owing payable by them.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
Now, don’t that beat all?
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **
But, wait there is a window of opportunity for a special few, where you could combine your supposed retirement with caring for some more kids. After all if you made it through the recruitment training, so you should hot stuff.
And of course a new job title of Grandparents, it doesn’t get any better than this?
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! This should be taught in school starting at Grade 7.
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy-help-me, Mama, Ma,
Dad, Daddy-o, Dada, Pa, or hey Pops
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
You will be required to think for yourself and be a self starter with little supervision and improvise at the drop of a hat.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance, laundry and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
So, plan to leave a bill for an amount owing payable by them.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
Now, don’t that beat all?
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **
But, wait there is a window of opportunity for a special few, where you could combine your supposed retirement with caring for some more kids. After all if you made it through the recruitment training, so you should hot stuff.
And of course a new job title of Grandparents, it doesn’t get any better than this?
Monday, December 20, 2010
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