After all that research it is no doubt you wished to paid.
A letter to a friend in Ireland,whose fancy it is to write letters of wit and which I relied in all due haste.
Dear Sir:
In reply to your request for payment,I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible.
My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws,provincial laws,county laws,village laws,brother-in-laws,sister-in-laws, and out-laws.
Through these laws I am compelled to pay income tax,property tax,business tax,amusement tax,head tax,cosmetic tax,tobacco tax,alcohol tax,gas tax,inheritance tax,food tax,light tax,excise tax,car tax,garbage tax,water tax,sewer tax,telephone tax,sales tax,transportation tax,and the hidden tax.
I am also required to contribute to every charity,society, or organization which the genius man is capable of bringing to life;to the hospital expansion,to minor hockey,to figure skating,to senior hockey,to the curling fund,to the United Fund,to the Centennial Fund,to the Red Cross,the White Cross,the Blue Cross,.the Purple Cross,and the Double Cross.
For my own safety I am required to carry life insurance,health insurance,accident insurance,fire insurance,property insurance,liability insurance,earthquake insurance,tornado insurance,old age insurance,and unemployment insurance.
My business is so governed that it is no easy matter to find out who owns it. I am inspected,expected,suspected,disrespected,rejected,dejected,examined,re-examined,required,summoned,fined,commandes,and compelled,until I provide an inexhaustible supply of money,for every known need,desire, and hope of the human race.
Simply because I refuse to donate to something or other I am boycotted,talked,lied about,held up held down and robbed until I am almost ruined.
I can tell you honestly that expect for a miracle that happened,I could not enclose this cheque for payment.The wolf that comes to the my door nowadays just had pups in my kitchen. I sold the pups and her is the money.
Now Ian what were you saying about your black socks??.
Your sheppen shearer from over ohm
Bruce
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
"I've sure gotten old!
"I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,but I wear glasses,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license." Ain't life grand?
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,but I wear glasses,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license." Ain't life grand?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The women’s mystique has been exposed,again!
Why Women take so long in the Bathroom, another mystery in life is answered and likely will raise no further questions .Besides, do you really need to know so much? The women’s mystique has been exposed, that should be enough in humble opinion!
*if you find this offends you all, I am sorry I am sure, I didn’t write it, I am sharing this, because its funny, not if your in pain of eliminating a full water bottle and you are doing a happy dance in front of the washroom door and singing “please hurry, please hurry” .
Once a upon a time; When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topples backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door! AMEN TO THAT!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!! It could save your life!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Share this with a friend
*if you find this offends you all, I am sorry I am sure, I didn’t write it, I am sharing this, because its funny, not if your in pain of eliminating a full water bottle and you are doing a happy dance in front of the washroom door and singing “please hurry, please hurry” .
Once a upon a time; When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topples backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door! AMEN TO THAT!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!! It could save your life!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Share this with a friend
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I found Religion building the Kids playset!
Sunday, May 03, 2009
In any case another true story written to the playset company to say what a pain in the nutz this was!!.Not all company's tell you how long it will take or how smart you have to be,one thing for sure you learn is how much tolerance you have for pain.
Anyway they should say,"it will take you 6 beers to read and assembly this appartus,per day,per each helper" believe me,this will not take away from the technical guist of the instructions and someone that can read would help.
Hello folks (ladies and gentlemen):
I, thought I would write you people and tell you about your play set I, fortunately now own and purchased from Walmart. The old adage says; “if you have kids, they need a play set”.
The reason we purchased this play set is because my wife and I are raising up our 3 grandkids and we took custody of the little beavers, rather than them go to foster care..
Having, said that, I did willing buy this apparatus from Walmart of my own free will and only because of the cost (which was well priced, in my humble opinion), after opening the kit I should have return the bits and pieces and been done with it. They looked a little thin for vigorous use.You get what you pay for.(so don't buy it).
But, of course you made it very clear in your instruction manual, in the form of a disclaimer, which amounts to “covering your ass with paper”. I guess you are obliged to do this with the amount of people looking to sue you at the drop of the hat.
But, the grandkids were so excited about having this equipment; it would make me feel like a shit heel if I returned it. The youngest one is 2 years old and I really can’t visualize this play set in action, but they did the inventory and announced its all here and when can we play on It.?
Folks, even with an adult helping me, (really wasn’t), because I had to redo what we screwed up afterwards, it took me 4 days to finish. The days went by quickly and the grandkids were on site offering help and encouragement and taking off with the tools.
Thank goodness the manual was well laid out and in a logical sequence which makes we think this was done a female engineer that already knew what was going to happen.*(there is a reason this job sheet is numbered) I found religion on this assembly, because I have the patience of Job and Wisdom of Solomon (meaning, I wouldn’t be doing this again for a long time or any time………..soon).
I asked the helper to help someone else, the grandkids were the sole helpers with me and their Nana was there at times, I never muttered any cuss words…out loud, that is and we finished on Sunday.
We wanted to thank you for the opportunity to do things to-gether and I am sure that the kids will enjoy playing on it as much as they did helping out. Now, I am missing a few screws,nuts and bolts, but that’s ok, because I am still finding the ones the beavers had thrown around in the yard.
Again, thank you, I would only recommend this to people whom are technically inclined and have a sense of imagination that will defy anything this play set can throw at them, because it will certainly test your limits. And that’s a good thing, sometimes, but not always….Amen.
Thank you for your time,
Bob, the builder and the 3 beavers as the helpers
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power,also the beginning of wisdom is to desire it"." Life is full of mysteries and unanswered questions,what you do about it,will prove how curious you are about finding out. “It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly.............you can guess the rest?.
This Should be a warning for all kit builders..."a certain age of wisdom is required and you should have taken a trades course in school and passed,you should be able to read and measure,you should ask for help and if you can't do it....thats too bad for you alls.
P.S I would to include this added note now that we have had the play set for over a year,its a piece of shit and I wouldn't advise you all in buying it.I bought it at Walmart and I should bought the playset from the Beaver (Canadian eh) store for a few dollars more,it had real wood from Canada in it.
P.S.: 2012; we have dismantled this playset because the bolts holding it were rusting from the inside and begining to shrink in diameter. So,in 5 years this set would have begun to fall apart and thats what the life expentency is.??.,so check your sets out,they even tell you that in the set of instructions. aka (shit happens)
In any case another true story written to the playset company to say what a pain in the nutz this was!!.Not all company's tell you how long it will take or how smart you have to be,one thing for sure you learn is how much tolerance you have for pain.
Anyway they should say,"it will take you 6 beers to read and assembly this appartus,per day,per each helper" believe me,this will not take away from the technical guist of the instructions and someone that can read would help.
Hello folks (ladies and gentlemen):
I, thought I would write you people and tell you about your play set I, fortunately now own and purchased from Walmart. The old adage says; “if you have kids, they need a play set”.
The reason we purchased this play set is because my wife and I are raising up our 3 grandkids and we took custody of the little beavers, rather than them go to foster care..
Having, said that, I did willing buy this apparatus from Walmart of my own free will and only because of the cost (which was well priced, in my humble opinion), after opening the kit I should have return the bits and pieces and been done with it. They looked a little thin for vigorous use.You get what you pay for.(so don't buy it).
But, of course you made it very clear in your instruction manual, in the form of a disclaimer, which amounts to “covering your ass with paper”. I guess you are obliged to do this with the amount of people looking to sue you at the drop of the hat.
But, the grandkids were so excited about having this equipment; it would make me feel like a shit heel if I returned it. The youngest one is 2 years old and I really can’t visualize this play set in action, but they did the inventory and announced its all here and when can we play on It.?
Folks, even with an adult helping me, (really wasn’t), because I had to redo what we screwed up afterwards, it took me 4 days to finish. The days went by quickly and the grandkids were on site offering help and encouragement and taking off with the tools.
Thank goodness the manual was well laid out and in a logical sequence which makes we think this was done a female engineer that already knew what was going to happen.*(there is a reason this job sheet is numbered) I found religion on this assembly, because I have the patience of Job and Wisdom of Solomon (meaning, I wouldn’t be doing this again for a long time or any time………..soon).
I asked the helper to help someone else, the grandkids were the sole helpers with me and their Nana was there at times, I never muttered any cuss words…out loud, that is and we finished on Sunday.
We wanted to thank you for the opportunity to do things to-gether and I am sure that the kids will enjoy playing on it as much as they did helping out. Now, I am missing a few screws,nuts and bolts, but that’s ok, because I am still finding the ones the beavers had thrown around in the yard.
Again, thank you, I would only recommend this to people whom are technically inclined and have a sense of imagination that will defy anything this play set can throw at them, because it will certainly test your limits. And that’s a good thing, sometimes, but not always….Amen.
Thank you for your time,
Bob, the builder and the 3 beavers as the helpers
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power,also the beginning of wisdom is to desire it"." Life is full of mysteries and unanswered questions,what you do about it,will prove how curious you are about finding out. “It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly.............you can guess the rest?.
This Should be a warning for all kit builders..."a certain age of wisdom is required and you should have taken a trades course in school and passed,you should be able to read and measure,you should ask for help and if you can't do it....thats too bad for you alls.
P.S I would to include this added note now that we have had the play set for over a year,its a piece of shit and I wouldn't advise you all in buying it.I bought it at Walmart and I should bought the playset from the Beaver (Canadian eh) store for a few dollars more,it had real wood from Canada in it.
P.S.: 2012; we have dismantled this playset because the bolts holding it were rusting from the inside and begining to shrink in diameter. So,in 5 years this set would have begun to fall apart and thats what the life expentency is.??.,so check your sets out,they even tell you that in the set of instructions. aka (shit happens)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
The Church and the Squirrels
Now I don't care who you are, this is funny right there!
There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each "church-house" was over-run with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The BAPTIST CHURCH, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, where they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision'. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each "church-house" was over-run with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The BAPTIST CHURCH, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, where they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision'. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Ear Infection a visit to the Doctor's.
Ear Infection
This is so true!
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
This is so true!
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
Friday, November 13, 2009
the Newfie went to Heaven!!!
Three men, a Torontonian, an Albertan and a Newfie, were out
riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew
it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly
gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing
nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is
now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of
people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question
which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to hell."
The Torontonian then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings. "With a
snap of his fingers, a stack of paper appeared next to
the Devil. The Torontonian read it and concluded it
was correct. "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of
his fingers, the Torontonian disappeared.
The Albertan then asked, "Give me the most complicated Formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his fingers, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Albertan read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers,
the Albertan disappeared, too.
The Newfie then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. The Newfie continues, "Drill 7 holes on the seat. " The Devil did just that.
The Newfie then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the Newfie, ‘It was
from me arse-hole!" And the Newfie went to Heaven!!!
riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew
it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly
gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing
nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is
now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of
people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question
which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to hell."
The Torontonian then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings. "With a
snap of his fingers, a stack of paper appeared next to
the Devil. The Torontonian read it and concluded it
was correct. "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of
his fingers, the Torontonian disappeared.
The Albertan then asked, "Give me the most complicated Formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his fingers, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Albertan read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers,
the Albertan disappeared, too.
The Newfie then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. The Newfie continues, "Drill 7 holes on the seat. " The Devil did just that.
The Newfie then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the Newfie, ‘It was
from me arse-hole!" And the Newfie went to Heaven!!!
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