Dear Sir:
I am writing to with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my Social Security check, an arrangement which, I
admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1– To make an appointment to see me.
2– To query a missing payment.
3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7– To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement and may I
wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
A letter to Pat (wtf is this all about?)
Wednesday, November 30, 2005,
The date of inspiration and application.Yes,another real letter to a friend of mine that is mostly corny humor.I was under the influence of a malted beverage,several.
Folks,if after reading this and maybe several times more,you don't know wtf is going on,then guess what,you didn't need to know in the first place,you nosey fat bastard!!.That, will describe almost everybody,aren't words wonderfull?.
Dear Pat:
What do you get for a man that has most everything technical in toys, to express gratitude for friendship and methodological help with the far side of computers? A, gift that will be a useful thing, yet natural enough to entertain your very exceptional inquisitiveness as well.
To choose something that brings us back to an era when we had no such thing as computers and we were encouraged to use our minds to solve the simplest math to the most challenging phasing of atomic matter on paper. Let me ramble on and perhaps I can describe how I chose to get this gift for you.
Get a drink and sit down in a cosy chair, this might take a while or not, depends on fast you read this letter. The purpose is to inform you of trivial stuff and useless information that for some reason we may require it to answer a question in the future, like in a game of Trivial Pursuit, perhaps.
Well, Pat you know you have dazzled me and numerous others with your intelligence and very exceptional observations of life in this region of little variation (which means you may be not from here after all, It has been written and confirmed so, therefore its…true).
Does the name W-O-O-D-F-O-R-D sound familiar? An, area known for, small burning bushes for some apparent reason.
Listen, if at any time, you feel over whelmed, you can put this down and read it later, and if you’re not too busy perhaps the subtle and coy nuisances will unravel themselves to you, like in the prisoner of Azkaban or not.
Sorry, I digress ,You are no doubt aware that we (you and I) are a real pair of unique people that have exposed many subjects on the earth and examined the mysterious space dimension beyond our sight, but not our minds.
For example:, analog to digital conversions, time warps, theory of family relativity, and scientific best guess, such as water into wine and finally explanations of hi tech science too often opaque elsewhere, like the internet and the speed of light.(where did the time go?)
We have drunk the golden nectar from the Gods that have provided our minds eye with a clear vision and deep understanding, making us one with the universe, mostly when we are in the zone of mind melding, reformatting a hard drive, or simply sharing malted beverages, is there any difference of opinion?, I don’t think so, save your breath.
You have a far side to you, Jon Luc Pate`. Know yourself well; be one within, listen and the forces that bewitch you, it’s like having an epiphany, like the one that struck me as I write this elemental letter.
This came so logically to me the words just flowed to the page and I had to laugh as I could see your face and you would be thinking, holy shit, the Zbig has really lost it this time. Read on.
You are sensitive about the fact that there is so little material to challenge your psyche and character and I have listened and thought what the hell I am I going to do to solve this problem?. I have asked and received this knowledge in a stroke. I must have recovered because I am still here;
Anyway I have sought out this question and began my hunt in earnest to bring you a challenge worthy of your self-ness. Then I remembered you mention the Mensa Test, hence, something of incalculable knowledge to be read well and see the way of the force. Simple, yet satisfying.
Listen, if at any time, you feel over whelmed, you can put this down.
But, first, some vital stuff to be familiar with, as you know, you disregard it instantaneously.
*This, is factual and hopeless, too many addictives in the beer, again. That explains a lot now, dough nut, why we get impulsive and rampant at the mouth at times.
*Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 12 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
Sorry, I digress, you might feel like reading this again, you may, nose` a problemo` signor`. Do it, the truth will set you free, find out who-you-are Jock-u-lair. By now you are wondering dozen this person have too much time on his hands?
The answer is a maybe, so what, time has no relevance to the length of the subject written, discussed or disused, and why computers came to be transporters to the far side, remember Bill Gates, Jon luc? He had too much time on his hands and look where it got him.
The best answer is to experiment on your self, Pat and find out. What are my genuine limits, do I need to know, does any one else need to know, does this mean that I am as smart as I am or am I smarter than I was or in fact was I smarter to begin with, am I the product of my colon-iz-ation or the sum of all my fears OR, is some nuc-kow-ski freakin` body playing hockey with my head, man?.
Listen, if at any time, you feel over whelmed.
I found this item and my sincere thinking is that this will challenge your mind and give it the exercise it deserves. And you can’t judge a book by its cover, rather by what is contained within, so I hear.
Please translate the introduction carefully, it gives clues to many of the answers and don’t be afraid about feeling like an old kid, because you recognize age knows no genius.
Consequently, no genius knows his age, only his strengths, are you getting this ok? You can walk away if want, I guarantee not to tell any one, nothing about nothing ,it never happened, this communiqué will burn up in 30 seconds anyway.
However, if you decide otherwise, please enjoy and I can assist you with this task, I could consider this an honour and duty to help you all full fill your density. (In other words 2b as thick as a brick)
Thank you fur your in-dull-gents on this matter, may all the orifices bewitch you, Jon Luc Pate`
Your unassuming, modest, humble, indefatigable, multipurpose, petulant and steadfast servant and having said that, I rest myself and you say what??
(canuunderstandanyofthis) Listen
Zee-big`-e-`nuff`-fur- u?
The date of inspiration and application.Yes,another real letter to a friend of mine that is mostly corny humor.I was under the influence of a malted beverage,several.
Folks,if after reading this and maybe several times more,you don't know wtf is going on,then guess what,you didn't need to know in the first place,you nosey fat bastard!!.That, will describe almost everybody,aren't words wonderfull?.
Dear Pat:
What do you get for a man that has most everything technical in toys, to express gratitude for friendship and methodological help with the far side of computers? A, gift that will be a useful thing, yet natural enough to entertain your very exceptional inquisitiveness as well.
To choose something that brings us back to an era when we had no such thing as computers and we were encouraged to use our minds to solve the simplest math to the most challenging phasing of atomic matter on paper. Let me ramble on and perhaps I can describe how I chose to get this gift for you.
Get a drink and sit down in a cosy chair, this might take a while or not, depends on fast you read this letter. The purpose is to inform you of trivial stuff and useless information that for some reason we may require it to answer a question in the future, like in a game of Trivial Pursuit, perhaps.
Well, Pat you know you have dazzled me and numerous others with your intelligence and very exceptional observations of life in this region of little variation (which means you may be not from here after all, It has been written and confirmed so, therefore its…true).
Does the name W-O-O-D-F-O-R-D sound familiar? An, area known for, small burning bushes for some apparent reason.
Listen, if at any time, you feel over whelmed, you can put this down and read it later, and if you’re not too busy perhaps the subtle and coy nuisances will unravel themselves to you, like in the prisoner of Azkaban or not.
Sorry, I digress ,You are no doubt aware that we (you and I) are a real pair of unique people that have exposed many subjects on the earth and examined the mysterious space dimension beyond our sight, but not our minds.
For example:, analog to digital conversions, time warps, theory of family relativity, and scientific best guess, such as water into wine and finally explanations of hi tech science too often opaque elsewhere, like the internet and the speed of light.(where did the time go?)
We have drunk the golden nectar from the Gods that have provided our minds eye with a clear vision and deep understanding, making us one with the universe, mostly when we are in the zone of mind melding, reformatting a hard drive, or simply sharing malted beverages, is there any difference of opinion?, I don’t think so, save your breath.
You have a far side to you, Jon Luc Pate`. Know yourself well; be one within, listen and the forces that bewitch you, it’s like having an epiphany, like the one that struck me as I write this elemental letter.
This came so logically to me the words just flowed to the page and I had to laugh as I could see your face and you would be thinking, holy shit, the Zbig has really lost it this time. Read on.
You are sensitive about the fact that there is so little material to challenge your psyche and character and I have listened and thought what the hell I am I going to do to solve this problem?. I have asked and received this knowledge in a stroke. I must have recovered because I am still here;
Anyway I have sought out this question and began my hunt in earnest to bring you a challenge worthy of your self-ness. Then I remembered you mention the Mensa Test, hence, something of incalculable knowledge to be read well and see the way of the force. Simple, yet satisfying.
Listen, if at any time, you feel over whelmed, you can put this down.
But, first, some vital stuff to be familiar with, as you know, you disregard it instantaneously.
*This, is factual and hopeless, too many addictives in the beer, again. That explains a lot now, dough nut, why we get impulsive and rampant at the mouth at times.
*Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 12 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
Sorry, I digress, you might feel like reading this again, you may, nose` a problemo` signor`. Do it, the truth will set you free, find out who-you-are Jock-u-lair. By now you are wondering dozen this person have too much time on his hands?
The answer is a maybe, so what, time has no relevance to the length of the subject written, discussed or disused, and why computers came to be transporters to the far side, remember Bill Gates, Jon luc? He had too much time on his hands and look where it got him.
The best answer is to experiment on your self, Pat and find out. What are my genuine limits, do I need to know, does any one else need to know, does this mean that I am as smart as I am or am I smarter than I was or in fact was I smarter to begin with, am I the product of my colon-iz-ation or the sum of all my fears OR, is some nuc-kow-ski freakin` body playing hockey with my head, man?.
Listen, if at any time, you feel over whelmed.
I found this item and my sincere thinking is that this will challenge your mind and give it the exercise it deserves. And you can’t judge a book by its cover, rather by what is contained within, so I hear.
Please translate the introduction carefully, it gives clues to many of the answers and don’t be afraid about feeling like an old kid, because you recognize age knows no genius.
Consequently, no genius knows his age, only his strengths, are you getting this ok? You can walk away if want, I guarantee not to tell any one, nothing about nothing ,it never happened, this communiqué will burn up in 30 seconds anyway.
However, if you decide otherwise, please enjoy and I can assist you with this task, I could consider this an honour and duty to help you all full fill your density. (In other words 2b as thick as a brick)
Thank you fur your in-dull-gents on this matter, may all the orifices bewitch you, Jon Luc Pate`
Your unassuming, modest, humble, indefatigable, multipurpose, petulant and steadfast servant and having said that, I rest myself and you say what??
(canuunderstandanyofthis) Listen
Zee-big`-e-`nuff`-fur- u?
Perpetual Youth,are you interested?
Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren & great-grandchildren. It's the best investment you'll ever make.
Perpetual youth:
Please read this next line carefully, it can change your life forever!
And for those of you whom want perpetual youth, you can raise them as well. Yes, raise your grandchildren. It seems the thing to do, your natural born children throw in the towel and leave a marriage and it’s the parents (a.k.a.) grandparents are left to clean the mess….again. Includes, the children and the pets and maybe, one of the parents of the kids.
Why, is it that your kids will listen to complete strangers for advice and never seem to heed your sensible words? It’s the nature of the beast and guess, what its old as time it’s self, everybody thinks their shit don’t stink and who listens to old folks anyway?(the meatheads).
Perpetual youth:
Please read this next line carefully, it can change your life forever!
And for those of you whom want perpetual youth, you can raise them as well. Yes, raise your grandchildren. It seems the thing to do, your natural born children throw in the towel and leave a marriage and it’s the parents (a.k.a.) grandparents are left to clean the mess….again. Includes, the children and the pets and maybe, one of the parents of the kids.
Why, is it that your kids will listen to complete strangers for advice and never seem to heed your sensible words? It’s the nature of the beast and guess, what its old as time it’s self, everybody thinks their shit don’t stink and who listens to old folks anyway?(the meatheads).
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Biker’s creed
Found this version on the Internets,depending on what you believe will determine what you will do when the occasion arises.
Biker’s creed
I ride because it is fun. I ride because I enjoy the freedom I feel from being exposed to the elements, and the vulnerability to the danger that is inherent to riding.
I do not ride because it is fashionable to do so.
I ride my machine, not wear it. My machine is not a symbol of status. It exists simply for me and me alone.
My machine is not a toy. It is an extension of my being, and I will treat it accordingly, with the same respect as I have for myself.
I strive to understand the inner-workings of my machine, from the most basic to the most complex; I learn everything I can about my machine, so that I am reliant upon no one but myself for its health and well-being.
I strive to constantly better my skill of control over my machine. I will learn its limits, and use my skill to become one with my machine so that we may keep each other alive. I am the master, it is the servant. Working together in harmony, we will become an invincible team.
I do not fear death. I will, however, do all possible to avoid death prematurely. Fear is the enemy, not death. Fear on the highway leads to death, therefore I will not let fear be my master. I will master it.
My machines will outlive me. Therefore, they are my legacy. I will care for them for future bikers to cherish as I have cherished them, whoever they may be.
I do not ride to gain attention, respect, or fear from those that do not ride, nor do I wish to intimidate or annoy them.
For those that do not know me, all I wish from them is to ignore me.
For those that desire to know me, I will share with them the truth of myself, so that they might understand me and not fear others like me.
I will never be the aggressor on the highway. However, should others fuck with me; their aggression will be dealt with in as severe manner as I can cast upon them.
I will show respect to other bikers more experienced or knowledgeable than I am. I will learn from them all I can. However, if my respect is not acknowledged or appreciated, it will end.
I will not show disrespect to other bikers less experienced or knowledgeable than I am. I will teach them what I can. However, if they show me disrespect, they will be bitch-slapped.
It will be my task to mentor new riders, that so desire, into the lifestyle of the biker, so that the breed shall continue.
I shall instruct them, as I have been instructed by those before me. I shall preserve and honor traditions of bikers before me, and I will pass them on unaltered.
I will not judge other bikers on their choice of machine, their appearance, or their profession.
I will judge them only on their conduct as bikers. I am proud of my accomplishments as a biker, though I will not flaunt them to others. If they ask, I will share them.
I will stand ready to help any other bikers that truly need my help. I will never ask another biker to do for me what I can do for myself. I am not a part-time biker.
I am a biker when, and where-ever I go. I am proud to be a biker, and hide my chosen lifestyle from no one. I ride because I love freedom, independence, and the movement of the ground beneath me.
But most of all, I ride to better understand myself, my machine, the lands in which I ride, and to seek out and know other bikers like myself.
-author anonymous,you have my thanks.
Biker’s creed
I ride because it is fun. I ride because I enjoy the freedom I feel from being exposed to the elements, and the vulnerability to the danger that is inherent to riding.
I do not ride because it is fashionable to do so.
I ride my machine, not wear it. My machine is not a symbol of status. It exists simply for me and me alone.
My machine is not a toy. It is an extension of my being, and I will treat it accordingly, with the same respect as I have for myself.
I strive to understand the inner-workings of my machine, from the most basic to the most complex; I learn everything I can about my machine, so that I am reliant upon no one but myself for its health and well-being.
I strive to constantly better my skill of control over my machine. I will learn its limits, and use my skill to become one with my machine so that we may keep each other alive. I am the master, it is the servant. Working together in harmony, we will become an invincible team.
I do not fear death. I will, however, do all possible to avoid death prematurely. Fear is the enemy, not death. Fear on the highway leads to death, therefore I will not let fear be my master. I will master it.
My machines will outlive me. Therefore, they are my legacy. I will care for them for future bikers to cherish as I have cherished them, whoever they may be.
I do not ride to gain attention, respect, or fear from those that do not ride, nor do I wish to intimidate or annoy them.
For those that do not know me, all I wish from them is to ignore me.
For those that desire to know me, I will share with them the truth of myself, so that they might understand me and not fear others like me.
I will never be the aggressor on the highway. However, should others fuck with me; their aggression will be dealt with in as severe manner as I can cast upon them.
I will show respect to other bikers more experienced or knowledgeable than I am. I will learn from them all I can. However, if my respect is not acknowledged or appreciated, it will end.
I will not show disrespect to other bikers less experienced or knowledgeable than I am. I will teach them what I can. However, if they show me disrespect, they will be bitch-slapped.
It will be my task to mentor new riders, that so desire, into the lifestyle of the biker, so that the breed shall continue.
I shall instruct them, as I have been instructed by those before me. I shall preserve and honor traditions of bikers before me, and I will pass them on unaltered.
I will not judge other bikers on their choice of machine, their appearance, or their profession.
I will judge them only on their conduct as bikers. I am proud of my accomplishments as a biker, though I will not flaunt them to others. If they ask, I will share them.
I will stand ready to help any other bikers that truly need my help. I will never ask another biker to do for me what I can do for myself. I am not a part-time biker.
I am a biker when, and where-ever I go. I am proud to be a biker, and hide my chosen lifestyle from no one. I ride because I love freedom, independence, and the movement of the ground beneath me.
But most of all, I ride to better understand myself, my machine, the lands in which I ride, and to seek out and know other bikers like myself.
-author anonymous,you have my thanks.
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