The Cabin Fever Rant n Rave.

The Cabin Fever Rant n Rave.

Dear Joe:

Today, I am getting some cabin fever. Not that the winter has been too long, it’s just I not getting into it this year. As you know my wife and I are raising our ten year old grandson and he is getting smarter by the day as I seem to be going in the opposite direction. The wife is not having this problem. Why is that?

Gravity is the answer. I am on the slippery slope and seem to be picking up speed. That is scary. Yes, I have turned a milestone year in my life according to the experts in the Family. I was always blessed with a lot of smart people in my life aka “know-it-alls”. So, you know you are automatically stupid as soon as they are in our house.

I usually call it our Home, but they quickly reduce this to a house and I want them out-ta my house. Furthermore as much as I try to love them, I don’t like them. Know, whom I am speaking about? The, pain-in-da-butts, but that is not nearly an accurate description.

Shit, they have an opinion about everything including my recent operation to “parts unknown” and they know all about it. How in the hell did you find all this out? I have not said a word other than it was a “mannish problem”. Well, if they got paid for all this knowledge and shared that with me, I would be well off and a free man.

Next, I don’t want all the advice, I rather learn on the run. And, assuming they never had, what I had, I don’t want to know what the worst case scenario might look like. That is scary enough knowing they know, what I don’t know, you know?

What’s, worst, they think I am the salt of the earth and they love me and profess this to me constantly. Wtf, am I doing wrong? I treat them nicely because I don’t to embarrass the Family and this makes me a saint. “They”, say Karma pay-back is a bitch. Seems, I need to examine my soul and find out where on the road I fell off.

Well, its ten o’clock somewhere, I need to have some red wine, which I keep hid behind the computer monitor, camouflaged  and I drink this from a 500 mL chili sauce jar ; will that will throw them off? Aka, why is poppa so happy?

So, what the hell was I talking about? Another sip of the golden nectar will surely make me recall. You have noticed that I have successfully rambled on about nothing and you have learned that growing older gracefully can’t happen to everyone.  Everybody is nutsy and you tell them that and they laugh. I, guess they know already.

Sorry, I better close off before this becomes well-worn. I have just aged to the 70 year plateau, which means goose egg to me, but everyone else is celebrating. I always thought they were nuts and this proves my case. Well, thanks for enduring this and you should be on your second 500 ml jar half-full of wine by now.

Thanks for fixing the snow blower, be sure to drop in soon and we can have some distilled mosquito bite to ward off the cold.

Yours humble-bull-lee,

 Bruce

What were you looking at, when her back side was facing you?

What were you looking at, when her back side was facing you?

Another true story from the Last of Old School Boy Scouts: 

 The other day it was very warm, the first warm day and with spring in the air it was real good to have it pleasant. So, people are doing the summer time stuff and I am sitting in my chair having a pint-o-cold-beer and watching all the activity, enjoying the sun.

Yes, it is tiring watching this going on and I was wondering where does all this energy come from? Just might be a scent in the air that causes this to happen. So, I sniff, nope nothing, I must be immune to it.

Maybe it’s something else. Well, I am still looking around and then I see the cause of this flurry of action and I was looking right at it and I never seen it. You know, you can’t see the forest for the trees. Maybe, I was blinded by the Light.

 What it was, was, a young women in a bikini or thong (and, she had a long top on so, you weren’t sure, if there was, “none”? (I usually wear glasses, but suddenly my vision was excellent)   I live beside a three storied apartment building with balconies. It’s a beehive at times.

To repeat myself, I was not seeing what I was looking at and to stare would be impolite, aye right, you old geezer?   Anyway, she was doing her house work and within an area where everyone is paying attention can and did see her.

So, doing the math tells me, every old guy was moving around to get a good look! Now, in order to prove this idea of mine, I am obliged to collect all the facts as I see them and come to a conclusion. That’s another beer, right there, which means I have to leave the scenery to get it, darn beer containers seem to empty just when you are the thirstiest, ever notice that?

No, I decide, I will froth at the mouth for a while, I need to gather the facts and stay behind the scenery, which wasn’t a problem because she was working away unaware of the commotion with her back side facing me.(now this is important, read it again, slowly, so you can picture the dilemma I was in). ?

So, the question is, folks, what is my next move? I can stay and gather additional facts, carefully storing the information in my mind (nope) or sensibly writing it down in short hand and transcribing later (NOPE) or use a video device and record the action, (well, maybe) making it appear to you the readers, that there is a pervert recording a young attractive lady person doing her house work, with her back side facing me.? Hum!  Well, what to do, eh?

Definitions:  the back-field in motion;  a condition of sinusoidal sensual waves, producing the desired effect such as cleaning the carpet, while unwitting was raising the pulses of everyone involved.  Physical, science and the law of the opposing levers, you are familiar with that aren’t you?

Life is full of mysteries and unanswered questions. So, I decide, I really need a beer and my pace-maker is protesting  the rigors on its regulator and besides, I have seen this kind of stuff going on in my place when the misses starts to dust and vacuum in the living room.

And, of course she does not require an experienced opinion on how to do the job. Got to be careful though, too much advice will make you the expert and you are given the job to finish.

 Sorry, did I wander off again; I believe we were reading about the adventures of a back-yard geezer , an old boy scout, gathering information about a lady on a possible crime of “decent exposure” while doing her house work.(unaware and watched by other well-worn guys).Well, dust my broom, you all.

Hey, you know what, it just hit me, she was showing off her “Dyson” , a cleaner gizmo and what a better way than to clean up her dusty room and show the people that this machine really does the job? She had to make a few showings thru the glass sliding doors, in case you were wondering.

OK, that is one question answered so onto the next, “what was she wearing under that top”?

Well, sir, that will take more gathering of the facts, so please excuse me, while I go and do that right now, before it becomes a “cold case”, she is going to be finished soon.

 (spoiler alert,” At a quick glance, I didn’t see a thing”) Meaning?  I really didn’t see anything or I did see, she had nothing else, “on”, but her top and the vacuum cleaner and maybe some fashionable shoes. Surely, to hell you can figure this out, there are enough clues.

 So, I will get back to you on it, later, I am sure. And, besides I hear my honey calling me, “Hey, old fool are you all done doing the laundry”? Yes, dear, it’s in the dryer right now! Did, I mention that I am not from here?

I am still here.

Just a short note to let you all know I am still in operation.A little older but still willing and able to cut the mustard when it appears. The Grandkids are still challenging my intellect and they are winning. Everday they prove to me I am not as smart as them.

So,what if I built regions of the internet and now could care less about an ipad or ipod or ipip etc,its not the same as a pencil and paper now is it. I love the spell checker,its a bonus when it works. I can manage to confuse that critter everyday,so whom is smarter,the man or the machine.?

So,I am smart,but with 4 people trying to prove you wrong,well its a game. However,that said,when the shithitsthefan,who can you call.?? Yes,its me,the old man,poppa,pops,gramps.grumpy,grandpus,old geezer,and hey you.!!.

Been there and done that and making it work is my motto, along with,get the hell outta the way and why don't you go to your mamma's place.!! or don't I hear your mamma calling,you,"oh,fuck-head dinner's ready".?.

*sorry,I forgot to put in a disclaimer that certain language may and will be used to only make certain its not mis-understood, understand?. Confusing,??,wait until you get here,all that doubt will be removed,trust me.!!.

Ok,so,if I made some sense,yahoo and ifin I didn't,I don't care, because judging by the look on your face,you are part of the problem and there is no solution for you other than to donate yourself to a museum.!!

Amen.

'HAIL CAESAR"

http://www.cookincanuck.com/2012/01/the-caesar-cocktail-aka-the-canadian-bloody-mary-recipe/

This is a must share,for food junkies,healthy and good for your soul.?

Why don’t I write to paper anymore?

Bob is a long time acquaintance from our former glory days of youth. We have known and wizened ourselves from the school of Hard Knocks n Bumps, our diplomas of merit are near??. He looks like a professor of Diplomas etuis’ Emeritus quo sancta humanae and speaks as such..


My Friend Bob asked me one day why don’t I write to paper anymore. Bob, I, said, its like this, there is so much to write about that the local paper scarcely does its job as it is. For me to write them and criticize or inform them of the social injustices that be fall us would be over whelming. We both can articulate on anything from the idiots on council, the overpriced rec centre, the wasted treatment plant, to the mundane.


But, you can’t write about it as the newspaper and the city hall siesta together and indeed make strange bed fellows and that’s is all that I am going to say, unless asked for further opinions. The audacious squeaks that emit when THEY walk are not from their shoes.(in my humble opinion).


That’s why THEY have to censor most of the news that is local to us readers. THEY in fact don’t care about too much what happens in the community as long as its big news. For example the” exclusion of the Lord’s Pray at council meetings”, maybe. To me that should have had more coverage than it did.


You can blame the people that don’t care as long as THEIR right to know what is going on is expressed in a clear and transparent manner. What bullshit, the government of the day can’t do that and we the little people demand this of our city bureaucrats. Hey-now, social equality lives.!, so it does.

(their are numerous idiot’s on council, but one female in particular which is anti-creed),thought it was “exclusive” of certain peoples rights to say a opening prayer. Well, THESE people didn’t care one way or the other, THEY never mentioned it.

 Having nothing more intelligent to do with THEIR time, THEY decided to jump on the “spiritual” bandwagon and make a commotion.(two of a kind spells danger.)

I offer no apology towards this person because she is just doing her job and I am doing mine, madam, you are an idiot, the best I have ever seen. You are a “LULU”. Your justification for intelligence escapes me. Bullshit will baffle brains and common sense, when applied in a substantial portion of deceitfulness.


There was so much to do about this that even writing and asking to reconsider was considered as an act of defiance, I just want the prayer to be said as usual and THOSE whom are insulted can leave and return when it’s over. Hell, if you went to THOSE other spiritual places do you think THEY quit saying their prayers because you all were “exclusive” , hell no,!! either like it or get outta de mosque.

Well, you know the results, the idiots have caved in, to the other idiots all in the name of being political correct, bullshit again. And if you dare raise this subject, all the prime and proper, get pissed.


Folks, my mother-in-law, Summed this best “its all going to hell in a hand basket”. All the people that made this country what it is, must be turning in their graves, because of so called intelligent people. The reason you were elected to office is, a better chance of us , to “tar n feather” if you did a piss poor job.


Did I mention that I wasn’t from here.!!? This is why Bob, I don’t write to the paper.!!, THEY, can’t print this. This is too, exclusive.!! As I am only picking on one or two idiots, better I slander the whole council and make it worth my while, maybe fresh fodder for the newspaper.



Your friend in your debt, lets us pray,

May the idiots we entrusted power to, may they see the errors of their ways and when it comes to elect them again, I won’t . Amen.

And no, folks, I am not a red necked bigot, in case you were wondering, and I did mention that I wasn’t from here. And to close, if this has offended anyone, if any of you (aka THEY) resemble the said subjects of my rant, I am apologetic, the truth bites just as sure as a junkyard dog at midnight.

Good nite Bob,



Its frosting some people.



Musings of an old guy

I would usually write to this to Joe because he has interesting slant on life and he is my rock of strength so to speak. I don’t ask for his advice, I get it and its free and I don’t agree with it sometimes.

His answers provide more thoughts and ideas for my writing or running of the brain which is given to the paper we all read. I call them my ramblings. I beat around the bush to tease you and then I give you the truth as far as I am able, writers privileges.

Joe, should have been a therapist because of his manners but he said no, I want to have a job where I am free of the world’s problems carried by so few people, and our hats off to the professionals that have chosen to help guide us thru life’s road of mystery.

Having said that there are people that are born to do this and those who wish they could. If, we could get the right person the first time how simple life would be, personal opinion and I am not slamming those who are not proficient at their job. Somebody has to do the work.

They just make it more stressful to get proper help and continue to mend on the road of life. This covers all professionals in the all the fields, even the almighty plumber. As humble as this job is, its one of the most important in our lives. Try and remember when the last time you had a bathroom problem and you know what I mean.

Just to get in that frame of mind, turn off the water to the main vanity and cover it over and use the one downstairs until the plumbers shows to fix your blockage, while you are it cover over the mirror as well and only cold water for the tub or shower. Life is grand.?

To easy, ok, now the pooper isn’t working, scramble for the throne. Its not a pretty picture is it.? As humble as this man is he is able to make a house call and help you, when the last time you had that kind of service.?

Be a good story to write about. Sorry, I am off topic or am I?.

Anyway, I am going to try and persuade Joe to become a internet shrink and have a disclaimer that it “ works for me, does not mean it will work for you”. Joe, the plumber, the shit is theoretically to run downhill but sometimes it don’t.!!

Who, can you call??. Write or call me now and we can flush this problem together. Inspiring isn’t it. Well, it’s a stretch, but if you are at wits end, how bad can it get??..............,are you thinking about it or not??.

Just to get you in the proper frame of thought, “your shit does stink and you aren’t alone”.



                                                                 Who, can you call??.

You, sir have to move your (shed)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

You, sir have to move your sheds!

For over two years I had a portable shed that I bought at C.T.C. store (Canadian tire) and dragged all over the side and back yard to suit where I wanted it to be. After two years this began to look ragged and I decided to get a real wooden shed built by a local Mennonite farmer in the area.(and all this time no-one said "boo").

So, they came and built this shed in 4 hours from preassembled pieces and it was done. And after a few days I dismantled the old portable and took it to the dump. And moved my stuff in and began to clean up the back yard.

This honeymoon only Lasted a few weeks when I got a visit and a letter from the City officials proclaiming I must move the two sheds which I had in the back yard. Move or remove my two sheds. Apparently, acting on a complaint from unknown neighborhood yob. The City By-law enforcement office, then asked me to respond shortly.

The problem is: that my two sheds are located within the hazard area and that folks is a big no-no here about’s. It has taken from August 23rd until September 10th to get proper set backs measurements and permissions to move my sheds on my property which I pay taxes on every year with out fail. Amen.(reason for the delays,Holidays,summer vacations and I also have a life outside this situation).

I will continue this later as I am now busy getting the sheds raised and prepared to roll them to a new spot which” I can choose as long as it falls outside the designated hazard area”. Amen again.

2012: the people came back to check.!!

A letter to Pat (wtf is this all about?)

Wednesday, November 30, 2005,
The date of inspiration and application.Yes,another real letter to a friend of mine that is mostly corny humor.I was under the influence of a malted beverage,several.

Folks,if after reading this and maybe several times more,you don't know wtf is going on,then guess what,you didn't need to know in the first place,you nosey fat bastard!!.That, will describe almost everybody,aren't words wonderfull?.

Dear Pat:

What do you get for a man that has most everything technical in toys, to express gratitude for friendship and methodological help with the far side of computers? A, gift that will be a useful thing, yet natural enough to entertain your very exceptional inquisitiveness as well.

To choose something that brings us back to an era when we had no such thing as computers and we were encouraged to use our minds to solve the simplest math to the most challenging phasing of atomic matter on paper. Let me ramble on and perhaps I can describe how I chose to get this gift for you.

Get a drink and sit down in a cosy chair, this might take a while or not, depends on fast you read this letter. The purpose is to inform you of trivial stuff and useless information that for some reason we may require it to answer a question in the future, like in a game of Trivial Pursuit, perhaps.

Well, Pat you know you have dazzled me and numerous others with your intelligence and very exceptional observations of life in this region of little variation (which means you may be not from here after all, It has been written and confirmed so, therefore its…true).

Does the name W-O-O-D-F-O-R-D sound familiar? An, area known for, small burning bushes for some apparent reason.

Listen, if at any time, you feel over whelmed, you can put this down and read it later, and if you’re not too busy perhaps the subtle and coy nuisances will unravel themselves to you, like in the prisoner of Azkaban or not.

Sorry, I digress ,You are no doubt aware that we (you and I) are a real pair of unique people that have exposed many subjects on the earth and examined the mysterious space dimension beyond our sight, but not our minds.

For example:, analog to digital conversions, time warps, theory of family relativity, and scientific best guess, such as water into wine and finally explanations of hi tech science too often opaque elsewhere, like the internet and the speed of light.(where did the time go?)

We have drunk the golden nectar from the Gods that have provided our minds eye with a clear vision and deep understanding, making us one with the universe, mostly when we are in the zone of mind melding, reformatting a hard drive, or simply sharing malted beverages, is there any difference of opinion?, I don’t think so, save your breath.

You have a far side to you, Jon Luc Pate`. Know yourself well; be one within, listen and the forces that bewitch you, it’s like having an epiphany, like the one that struck me as I write this elemental letter.

This came so logically to me the words just flowed to the page and I had to laugh as I could see your face and you would be thinking, holy shit, the Zbig has really lost it this time. Read on.

You are sensitive about the fact that there is so little material to challenge your psyche and character and I have listened and thought what the hell I am I going to do to solve this problem?. I have asked and received this knowledge in a stroke. I must have recovered because I am still here;

Anyway I have sought out this question and began my hunt in earnest to bring you a challenge worthy of your self-ness. Then I remembered you mention the Mensa Test, hence, something of incalculable knowledge to be read well and see the way of the force. Simple, yet satisfying.

Listen, if at any time, you feel over whelmed, you can put this down.


But, first, some vital stuff to be familiar with, as you know, you disregard it instantaneously.
*This, is factual and hopeless, too many addictives in the beer, again. That explains a lot now, dough nut, why we get impulsive and rampant at the mouth at times.

*Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 12 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

Sorry, I digress, you might feel like reading this again, you may, nose` a problemo` signor`. Do it, the truth will set you free, find out who-you-are Jock-u-lair. By now you are wondering dozen this person have too much time on his hands?

The answer is a maybe, so what, time has no relevance to the length of the subject written, discussed or disused, and why computers came to be transporters to the far side, remember Bill Gates, Jon luc? He had too much time on his hands and look where it got him.

The best answer is to experiment on your self, Pat and find out. What are my genuine limits, do I need to know, does any one else need to know, does this mean that I am as smart as I am or am I smarter than I was or in fact was I smarter to begin with, am I the product of my colon-iz-ation or the sum of all my fears OR, is some nuc-kow-ski freakin` body playing hockey with my head, man?.

Listen, if at any time, you feel over whelmed.

I found this item and my sincere thinking is that this will challenge your mind and give it the exercise it deserves. And you can’t judge a book by its cover, rather by what is contained within, so I hear.

Please translate the introduction carefully, it gives clues to many of the answers and don’t be afraid about feeling like an old kid, because you recognize age knows no genius.

Consequently, no genius knows his age, only his strengths, are you getting this ok? You can walk away if want, I guarantee not to tell any one, nothing about nothing ,it never happened, this communiqué will burn up in 30 seconds anyway.

However, if you decide otherwise, please enjoy and I can assist you with this task, I could consider this an honour and duty to help you all full fill your density. (In other words 2b as thick as a brick)

Thank you fur your in-dull-gents on this matter, may all the orifices bewitch you, Jon Luc Pate`

Your unassuming, modest, humble, indefatigable, multipurpose, petulant and steadfast servant and having said that, I rest myself and you say what??

(canuunderstandanyofthis) Listen

Zee-big`-e-`nuff`-fur- u?