HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from hospital charts)
1 . The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (OMG! that is some examination)
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
My Neighbours, I ain’t Judge Judy
My Neighbours, I ain’t Judge Judy
I read some where that in order to forgive and forget people for a wrong they have done to you, you must first acknowledge this as a mistake and get over it. The other person is probably not aware of the transgression, so you let them know and forgive and don’t let happen again.
Well, in some cases this proves to be complicated because this person or couple are your neighbors. These people should almost be your best friend because you share the same space on the block or the best antagonist you ever had.
If gets even better when you have two or more neighbours involved and the kids are the source of the problem, for them and as well as you.
So, you have your kids and the neighbors kids and kids will be kids. Yes, kids say the most innocent things and that’s where this gets started. They call each other names, then they call the parents some names and then just swear to get a reaction.
Well, it works because the offended party is over like a flea on a mission and begins to chew me out for something that frankly folks, I don’t give a shit about. Why, because I wasn’t there and I ain’t Judge Judy either. So, my opinion is, it happened in your yard, handle it.Send the kid home!!.
Soon, this gets going forward, so it isn’t about the kids swearing, its about two grown men having a pissing contest. In the mean time the kids are off and playing and not giving a shit about two guys dueling it out, well almost ,about foul language.
Bottom line, keep your kids away for a while and then they will forget until the next time and it will start all over. But, in mean time again, the two men are still pissy and we ignore each other as well. Peace at last.
I didn’t like the nob anyway, so this a bonus for me. But, the kids still play with each other and when they come over I ask them to leave and play in the street, safely of course.
Well, that’s one neighbor taken care of. But, my next story will be about the other neighbor, no kids, what happens when you mis-understand what was been said or meant to be said or who said it. Does it matter?.
`
I read some where that in order to forgive and forget people for a wrong they have done to you, you must first acknowledge this as a mistake and get over it. The other person is probably not aware of the transgression, so you let them know and forgive and don’t let happen again.
Well, in some cases this proves to be complicated because this person or couple are your neighbors. These people should almost be your best friend because you share the same space on the block or the best antagonist you ever had.
If gets even better when you have two or more neighbours involved and the kids are the source of the problem, for them and as well as you.
So, you have your kids and the neighbors kids and kids will be kids. Yes, kids say the most innocent things and that’s where this gets started. They call each other names, then they call the parents some names and then just swear to get a reaction.
Well, it works because the offended party is over like a flea on a mission and begins to chew me out for something that frankly folks, I don’t give a shit about. Why, because I wasn’t there and I ain’t Judge Judy either. So, my opinion is, it happened in your yard, handle it.Send the kid home!!.
Soon, this gets going forward, so it isn’t about the kids swearing, its about two grown men having a pissing contest. In the mean time the kids are off and playing and not giving a shit about two guys dueling it out, well almost ,about foul language.
Bottom line, keep your kids away for a while and then they will forget until the next time and it will start all over. But, in mean time again, the two men are still pissy and we ignore each other as well. Peace at last.
I didn’t like the nob anyway, so this a bonus for me. But, the kids still play with each other and when they come over I ask them to leave and play in the street, safely of course.
Well, that’s one neighbor taken care of. But, my next story will be about the other neighbor, no kids, what happens when you mis-understand what was been said or meant to be said or who said it. Does it matter?.
`
Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same
Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Paraprosdokians (not a vegetable)
Paraprosdokians
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal an idea from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "A DOCTOR."
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Some cause happiness wherever they go... Others, whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal an idea from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "A DOCTOR."
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Some cause happiness wherever they go... Others, whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The Canoeist
The Canoeist
Alone….
On the lake
The soft stroke of my paddle…
Echo’s off the shore.
I can feel the quietness;
I can hear the sound of silence
A peaceful sound.
It is so calm, so still,
That I hear the echo of my blood,
Rushing in my ears, a deafening sound.
The early evening mist,
Feels cool on my face;
But has a freshness to it
Like no other time of day.
And as I guide my canoe slowly
Through the calm, quiet waters,
I drink in the beauty that lays before me…
A ghostly image of evergreens
Reflects off a natural mirror
I am alone, but not alone.
As if on cue from a distant part of the lake;
Comes the cry of the northern loon.
There is nothing like it,
There is nothing to compare..
Expect the lonely answer,
Of another loons prayer.
Alone….
On the lake
The soft stroke of my paddle…
Echo’s off the shore.
I can feel the quietness;
I can hear the sound of silence
A peaceful sound.
It is so calm, so still,
That I hear the echo of my blood,
Rushing in my ears, a deafening sound.
The early evening mist,
Feels cool on my face;
But has a freshness to it
Like no other time of day.
And as I guide my canoe slowly
Through the calm, quiet waters,
I drink in the beauty that lays before me…
A ghostly image of evergreens
Reflects off a natural mirror
I am alone, but not alone.
As if on cue from a distant part of the lake;
Comes the cry of the northern loon.
There is nothing like it,
There is nothing to compare..
Expect the lonely answer,
Of another loons prayer.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Is vension or beef taste the same?
*Folks; if you all have a weak stomach read NO FURTHER. This is as disgusting as any report I have ever,ever,read!!.
From the U.S. Venison Council
Controversy has long raged about the relative quality and taste of venison and beef as gourmet foods. Some people say venison is tough, with a strong "wild" taste. Others insist venison's flavor is delicate. An independent food research group was retained by the Venison Council to conduct a taste test to determine the truth of these conflicting assertions once and for all.
First, a Grade A Choice Holstein steer was chased into a swamp a mile and a half from a road and shot several times. After some of the entrails were removed, the carcass was dragged back over rocks and logs, and through mud and dust to the road. It was then thrown into the back of a pickup truck and driven through rain and snow for 100 miles before being hung out in the sun for a day.
It was then lugged into a garage where it was skinned and rolled around on the floor for a while. Strict sanitary precautions were observed throughout the test, within the limitations of the butchering environment. For instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff and lick the steer carcass, but most of the time were chased away when they attempted to bite chunks out of it.
Next, a sheet of plywood left from last year's butchering was set up in the basement on two saw horses. The pieces of dried blood, hair and fat left from last year were scraped off with a wire brush last used to clean out the grass stuck under the lawn mower.
The skinned carcass was then dragged down the steps into the basement where a half dozen inexperienced but enthusiastic and intoxicated men worked on it with meat saws, cleavers, hammers and dull knives. The result was 375 pounds of soup bones, four bushel baskets of meat scraps, and a couple of steaks that were an eighth of an inch thick on one edge and an inch and a half thick on the other edge.
The steaks were seared on a glowing red hot cast iron skillet to lock in the flavor. When the smoke cleared, rancid bacon grease was added, along with three pounds of onions, and the whole conglomeration was fried for two hours.
The meat was gently teased from the frying pan and served to three intoxicated and blindfolded taste panel volunteers. Every member of the panel thought it was venison. One volunteer even said it tasted exactly like the venison he has eaten in hunting camps for the past 27 years.
The results of this scientific test conclusively show that there is no difference between the taste of beef and venison...
From the U.S. Venison Council
Controversy has long raged about the relative quality and taste of venison and beef as gourmet foods. Some people say venison is tough, with a strong "wild" taste. Others insist venison's flavor is delicate. An independent food research group was retained by the Venison Council to conduct a taste test to determine the truth of these conflicting assertions once and for all.
First, a Grade A Choice Holstein steer was chased into a swamp a mile and a half from a road and shot several times. After some of the entrails were removed, the carcass was dragged back over rocks and logs, and through mud and dust to the road. It was then thrown into the back of a pickup truck and driven through rain and snow for 100 miles before being hung out in the sun for a day.
It was then lugged into a garage where it was skinned and rolled around on the floor for a while. Strict sanitary precautions were observed throughout the test, within the limitations of the butchering environment. For instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff and lick the steer carcass, but most of the time were chased away when they attempted to bite chunks out of it.
Next, a sheet of plywood left from last year's butchering was set up in the basement on two saw horses. The pieces of dried blood, hair and fat left from last year were scraped off with a wire brush last used to clean out the grass stuck under the lawn mower.
The skinned carcass was then dragged down the steps into the basement where a half dozen inexperienced but enthusiastic and intoxicated men worked on it with meat saws, cleavers, hammers and dull knives. The result was 375 pounds of soup bones, four bushel baskets of meat scraps, and a couple of steaks that were an eighth of an inch thick on one edge and an inch and a half thick on the other edge.
The steaks were seared on a glowing red hot cast iron skillet to lock in the flavor. When the smoke cleared, rancid bacon grease was added, along with three pounds of onions, and the whole conglomeration was fried for two hours.
The meat was gently teased from the frying pan and served to three intoxicated and blindfolded taste panel volunteers. Every member of the panel thought it was venison. One volunteer even said it tasted exactly like the venison he has eaten in hunting camps for the past 27 years.
The results of this scientific test conclusively show that there is no difference between the taste of beef and venison...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Airport pat-down screening
Folks; just let you know all this information will be forwarded to your Doctor and be expecting a phone call to confirm their findings.
Year to date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA:
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Incontinence 6,418
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
Year to date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA:
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Incontinence 6,418
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
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